For a moment, she felt peace. She knew her direction. All was right with her world.
For a moment.
Then the moment ended.
Not with a bang. That she could have dealt with better. She’d know it had happened.
Instead, her peaceful moment ended in one held breath.
Overjoyed by her excitement at finally finding clarity and calm, she held her breath a little longer than was necessary, out of habit from years of survival mindset.
And in that held breath, the whispers of her ego and her shadowy inner stories started. And grew.
Her inner bully rejoiced every time she held her breath.
Her harmful inner stories blossomed.
Her wounded ego smiled: one step closer to victory over her soul’s leadership.
Heallen remained oblivious to the influence of her inner, self-sabotaging dynamic for several days. She really wasn’t that great at tuning into the subtleties of her inner self.
She thought she was still checked in at Soul Purpose Haven.
It took a confusing reading during her daily tarot and oracle practice to notice something wasn’t quite right.
What the . . .?
Oh no! Something, or someone, was running interference in her life. That much she’d learned years ago when her readings gave her confusing or mixed messages.
“What now?” she fumed.
She checked in with herself. Yep, her boundaries were still firmly set in place. The people around her were loving and supportive. She was consciously keeping herself in a positive, abundant mindset.
So, what was going on?
Memories of each time this had happened to her in the past collided with each other: Exhaustion overwhelmed her at the toll, time and trauma that followed each such moment.
Was this yet another ‘beginning’ moment that would eventually lead to life learnings via torment and turmoil?
Didn’t she deserve some peace and calm after the terrible lows of recent years?
Please, no more, she begged her higher self. No more, she pleaded to the Universe and its energies.
No more, she whispered into her heart.
A heaviness dropped into her chest. Her shoulders sagged. Oh dear Universe, I can’t do this again, she wept.
Two days later, Heallen gave up her mental efforts to dislodge the growing heaviness. Hadn’t she learnt that her logical mind rarely helped her?
She marched into her bedroom, pulled out the oracle deck that was calling to her (Alana Fairchild’s ‘Kuan Yin oracle’), sat cross-legged on her big, cosy bed, breathed deeply until her mind and body calmed, and asked not her usual open questions but a much more direct one: Why am I feeling so sad and unfulfilled?
Expecting a message about her next soul ‘adventure’ (aka torture experience), she was surprised by the first card, The Threshold:
“You are embarking on a phase of deepest soul liberation, into freedom of love that triumphs over fear. …Do not be disheartened by any old fears that are surfacing. You do not need to create a story out of them, you can just observe them with love and allow them to pass. It is just your inner Self releasing any vibration which is not aligned with unconditional love.”
Feeling the card’s message sink into her cells, she sighed . . . And released her egoic need to be in control, to always know what she had to do, what she had to know, what was coming next.
She released her expectation that all her soul adventures had to be traumatic, and felt the truth of change, of knowing that she wouldn’t always get what she always had in her past because she was learning better, more loving ways of being and doing and having.
The heaviness faded; her heart opened a little more. And relief washed away her fledgling despair and frustration.