Darn! The library was closing already?! Her once-a-month hour to herself was over?
She packed her tote bag to leave, squashing her notebook behind today’s post. How on Earth was she ever going to get herself out of this mental vacuum she seemed to live in if she couldn’t find enough time to read?
If she couldn’t even figure out her favourite colour, how could she ever know herself?
With no spare money for professional help, one hour a month to herself, and only allowed to use email on the family’s computer, how did she find help?
Heallen hurried out to her car. She couldn’t afford to forget the time and risk her precious hour. And no way did she want yet another confrontation with Him.
“Damn.” The car He refused to spend money on didn’t start.
She tried again. And again.
“Freaking shizzy piece of junk!” She slammed her fist on the steering wheel and twisted the key again.
The engine coughed, sounded like it was apologising, and grumbled into life.
While waiting for the engine to warm up, she opened the mail. Scanning the bank statement, she cringed at the balance.
“Damn. More cosmetic procedures?!”
She sighed. Somehow, she’d have to still afford the school fees, healthy food and paying the bills. Why did he keep doing this? Lying about how he spent their money? Accusing her of wasting money when she struggled to stick to the most basic of budgets?
It was going to be another long night of accusations and anger followed by punishing silence.
Heallen’s desperation to know herself better, to understand how she’d gotten where she’d gotten in her life—lacking direction, deeply unhappy, clinically depressed, constantly fear-filled and hypervigilant, learning she was an unfit person no one could possibly like, inept, talentless, stupid, invisible—increased.
She remembered having friends as a child. Her school report cards were full of mostly As. She’d even made it to Uni. Sure, her childhood wasn’t easy, but didn’t everyone have hard childhoods?
Why had she changed so much?
A tiny voice whispered in the dark shadows of her mind: You haven’t changed, Heallen; you’ve simply forgotten who you are.
Oh, great! Now she was hearing voices?! He was right—she was going insane.
In that moment of conditioned reaction, Heallen missed the answer she’d been looking for for so long. She now had an ally; her higher self was listening, and on standby to help.
Without conscious thought, her quest to gain self-knowledge had begun, starting with asking herself the right questions, and listening to her intuitive answers.
Soon, she learnt to listen without judgement, to accept her intuitive answers, and explore them for hidden truths.